Coping
by Jesus' girl 4ever
Summary: "Can I live in the moment without coming to terms with the past?" Obi-Wan comes to terms with Qui-Gon's death and the events leading up to it. Post-TPM.


**Coping**

Disclaimer: I don't own.

A month ago, Obi-Wan Kenobi had been Padawan to Master Qui-Gon Jinn. A month ago, he had never heard of Anakin Skywalker. A month ago, the Sith were extinct. A month ago, all he had worried about was whether he would pass the Trials soon and become a Knight.

Now, Master Qui-Gon is dead. Now, Anakin is Obi-Wan's Padawan. Now, Obi-Wan has defeated a Sith, and the hunt is on for the other. Now, he worries about a great many things: training Anakin correctly, raising him well, teaching him to let go of his attachments, and more problems revolving around Anakin.

Obi-Wan shakes his head, realizing that he shouldn't waste his precious few minutes alone with dwelling on the past. His Padawan is in class, and Obi-Wan's only company is his thoughts. "I shouldn't dwell on the past. I need to live in the moment," he says, remembering his Master's constant admonishment.

"But can I live in the moment without coming to terms with the past?" he asks the silent room. He of course receives no answer, but he doesn't expect one from an empty room. However, with that thought in mind, he begins to think about those few days when his life changed irrevocably.

Obi-Wan remembers being less than impressed with the boy Master Qui-Gon brought back from the ship. His midichlorian had been high, no doubt, but the boy himself was dangerous. Still is, actually. And yet, Master Qui-Gon had been willing to defy the Council to see that this child was trained. _He had been willing to push me aside for him._ He had tried to get that thought out of his head, but his efforts had been to no avail. Obi-Wan has to live with the boy-Anakin. He has to start thinking of him as Anakin-for an indefinite amount of time, at least until Anakin is knighted. _Considering how his training is going now, that'll be a long time._ Remembering that Qui-Gon had chosen Anakin over Obi-Wan would only make being around him more painful.

Obi-Wan then moves to recalling the time he, Qui-Gon, and Anakin had spent together on Coruscant. The Council meeting concerning Anakin's fate still grates on Obi-Wan. With only seven words, Qui-Gon had broken his heart and his trust by throwing him aside in favor of a small but powerful youngling he had just met. Even if he had claimed that Obi-Wan had been ready for the Trials, the fact remained that Obi-Wan hadn't thought he was ready. He still doesn't, actually.

Then the encounter with the Sith on Naboo had happened. Obi-Wan dreams about it, sometimes. He dreams about what he could have done differently, how he could have saved Qui-Gon's life. _If we hadn't gotten separated…if I'd been faster…if that_ stupid _security gate had dropped sooner._ But his dreams and wishes can't change anything in the real world. Qui-Gon is dead, and he can't do anything about it.

Nothing, that is, except try to fulfill his Master's dying wish. "Promise me you will train the boy. He is the Chosen One. He will bring balance. Train him." Obi-Wan's hands rise to cover his mouth, to stifle the sobs that threaten to spill out. _I'm not jealous. I'm_ not. _I'm a Jedi; I should be better than this._

Obi-Wan, however, knows that, somewhere in his heart, he wishes that his Master had been thinking of him as he had died, not the boy he had just met. He wishes his last words had not been about the child he'd known for a week but about the young man he'd raised for thirteen years. _Is it selfish of me to think that I should have been foremost in his last thoughts?_

He regrets the many arguments he and his Master had had in the days before his death. He had chastised him about not following the Council's word. _I'm sorry, Master. I'll do you proud. I'll train Anakin well. I promise._ He feels his Padawan's approach, and he tries to gather himself before the energetic young boy enters their quarters. However, the door bursts open before he is ready, and Anakin charges in. The boy freezes, something rather unusual for him, making Obi-Wan realize for the first time that tears are streaming down his face. "Master?" he asks hesitantly.

"What is it, Anakin?"

"Are you all right?"

"Of course."

"Then why are you crying?"

Obi-Wan opens his mouth before snapping it closed after realizing he couldn't answer without his crying becoming audible-and loud. So he says nothing.

Anakin comes forward. Hesitantly, he cocks his head, looking at Obi-Wan before flinging his arms around the older man's neck. "I miss Master Qui-Gon, too."

Obi-Wan blinks, shocked, before he tightens his arms around the boy. Tears continue to leak out of his eyes as he murmurs, "Thank you, Anakin."

"You're welcome, Master." Anakin pulls away, dropping his head and staring at the ground. "I'm sorry; I really shouldn't have done that."

"Done what?" Obi-Wan asks, confused. He reaches out and lifts the boy's chin. The tears streaming down his face are a shock, but not as much as the stark, clear fear within his eyes. "Anakin, what shouldn't you have done?"

"Hugged you like that. It-it's not-I'm not supposed to-not allowed to-" He lowers his eyes, not meeting Obi-Wan's, shaking in fear.

"Anakin," Obi-Wan says gently, realizing what must be bothering the boy. "Anakin, please look at me." He waits for several minutes until the boy raises his eyes of his own free will. "Anakin, I promise you, I will never hurt you. _Never._ I know that, in the past, the word 'Master' must have been associated with cruelty and punishment for you, but, I swear, Anakin, I'm not like that. I won't hurt you. Not ever." He carefully pulls him into his arms, recognizing how much this boy needs someone to love him.

(Obi-Wan will remember this promise thirteen years later, when he will fight with the newly christened Darth Vader. His heart will break at the same moment his promise will. But he has no inkling of these events yet.)

Obi-Wan knows, as he holds Anakin close, comforting and reassuring the boy, that he can, should, and will be the someone to love Anakin. He hugs Anakin, and he lets go of the past.

 _A/N: So…I didn't plan for such a sweet ending, but it turned out pretty well, I think. Also, this is the first story I've written entirely in present tense, so, if I slipped up anywhere, please let me know!_


End file.
